There's No Place Like H{ommmm}e - Part III

(Con't from There's No Place Like H{ommmm}e II)

What the bloody hell?! This journey had become EXHAUSTING! It felt as though I was living in some kind of self-created purgatory riddled with whys, hows, whens and what-ifs. I was hoping for a light bulb over my head moment, after which I would introduce all of my questions to their appropriate answers and then somehow make sense of something that was, in actuality, nonsensical. Ummmm...nope. THAT did not happen.

What did happen was one day I finally put a stop to all of that particular madness. I stopped dishing out all of my intense demands of the Universe, relaxed my clinched fists from around the neck of all of those uber important questions ... and I sat. Right there in the middle of it. I sat and I marinated in it, hoping and praying that all of it - some of it - would sink in deep enough to reach the omnipresent, all-knowing life-force that I was sure was still residing inside of me somewhere. I listened and I observed. I emptied myself out completely, purging as much of the guilt and fears and expectations that were taking up so much room in my heart for so many years as I could. And then ... I cried. I cried, and I cried. I cried tears that were old and I cried tears that were new. I cried tears that had been building up inside of me for years and I cried tears that had crept up on me suddenly as I stumbled upon buried truths among my clutter. I didn't stop them...not any of them. Not this time. Instead, I let the them do their job. I let all of those tears cleanse my heart and soul from tip to toe.

That is when it happened! I tilted my head in a slightly different direction one day and I could see it; a tiny glimmer of purpose in the distance that made way for more and more grace...more and more insight - more and more light. After all of my excavating I felt as though I had finally gotten a peek at what I was searching secret - which led me to realize that so much of what I thought mattered in my life really didn't matter much at all. All of the whens and the whys and the hows; all of the "could haves" and "would haves" and "should haves" ... none of that meant squat. Even the questions that I somehow thought I found the answers to, while insightful in an "in-my-own-head" sort of way, were not ultimately necessary for me to have. What was far more valuable for the growth of my heart and soul and spirit was the time that it took for me to stop all of my "important" busy-ness and look for them - look at them - and honor the mystery that they held. The journey back to my center was, in itself, exactly what my soul needed to be set free.

At the risk of sounding cliche, the destination was, and continues to be, the journey - and the journey my destination. MAN!! Did this come as a relief! During all of that digging into and sifting through and exposing of I discovered that there is one thing that will always continue to hold the capability of being the eye of my storm or my rainbow of promise, and that is this: the only person who ever has to believe in anything to make it real is me. The only thing necessary to create a reality in my world is my belief in it - whether it be words, wisdom, or the journey ahead of me. And, the hardcore truth for me was that at a crucial moment in my life I just didn't know how to sustain the boundless faith that had been handed to me. I was naive to the fact that my faith in myself was something that needed to be nurtured, fed, reassured, honed and celebrated; that faith needed to be tested hard and steadily in order for it to grow big and strong.

As I look behind me I am thankful for all of the characteristics that inhabit my persona - the ones that try to protect me, as well as the ones that need the protecting - knowing that everything comes from either a place of fear or love. "Type A" Amy served her purpose very well - she somehow managed to preserve faith in love and in miracles and in best intentions for me until I was ready to live them on my own. Just as my years of struggling to be something that I was not had become my albatross, the mustering up of courage to remove it from around my neck, even though it meant that I would be left naked and vulnerable to the world, has become the most liberating task in my life thus far. I have finally given myself permission to love and honor my mental, spiritual and physical nakedness - mama boobs, two stems that are sans any significant thigh-gap, wacky attention shortcomings that ya either find endearing or will drive you crAzy, mystical and magical beliefs, and all!

Now, if you happened to have skipped all of the beginning stuff in these three conjoining articles of mine and jumped right to here in the story, I'll happily give you the cheat-sheet version of what I've discovered to be the truth (at least MY truth, anyway) over the last 12 months or so about this humanness that we all share ...and it is this:

1. The second we (I) stop trusting ourselves (MYSELF) is the second that we (I) start wanting to be like THEM instead of joining the amaaaaaaazing party that the Universe is throwing for us (ME) right here and right now!

2. The recovery period from just about everything and anything in life is where and when the healing and growth begins! Embrace the f#%k out of it!

3. Judge much, much less ... listen much, much more ... love much, much deeper ... move on much, much quicker ... hug much, much tighter ... laugh much, much harder ... and celebrate life as often you possibly can!

Now, CARPI that freakin DIEM, my friends!

Live your lives like the rock stars that you are!

YOL(this life)O!! (And ALL that jazz!)

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