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There's No Place Like {H}ommmme - Part I

Lately I've been thinking a lot about when it was that I decided to take a hiatus from trusting myself? When did I allow myself to be led away from going with my gut ... from letting my life flow?

 

That question led me to other questions, as questions so often do - trickier questions. How was it that I was so fortunate to have such strong internal faith cultivated in me in the first place? I mean, I know many, many people who are not exactly in touch with their higher, more in-tune self. I know for sure that such strong faith is not something that one should just take for granted. How did I stumble upon this special secret to life and how to live it? And, more importantly, why would I ever discard such fundamental truth along the way as if it were rubbish? Clearly, I had some digging to do.

As it turns out, it was fairly easy for me to pinpoint when this particular change in my personal mojo happened - the 180 that my personal energy took from one of trusting the flow of the journey to one of trying to manipulate the tide from which the journey flowed. Sadly, this would end up being a change that would turn me away from my authentic self and towards a false sense of security for many years to come.

It happened on the day of my college graduation ceremony - a chilly, wet Saturday afternoon - as I sat amongst the other soon-to-be graduates along with my entire immediate family who had very proudly journeyed from Pennsylvania to see me "WALK," as they say. I remember sitting under that tent pondering the notion of "walking"...and that maybe I had only been crawling up until that point. If that was the case, then what kind of magic awaited me out there in the "real world," I wondered. I mean, I had done some pretty f'ing cool stuff in life already, and seen some truly AMAZING things! It didn't feel as though I'd been crawling. WOW! I started to get excited in that young-adult nervous kind of way at the thought of it all. But, wait...was I prepared to be launched into this world? Would I have to live with my parents forever? Would I ever possibly find a job in my major? Suddenly it felt like "would I's" were coming at me from all directions! YIKES!! Forget nervous...I became downright friggin' scared! F$#k the walking BS! If I was ever going to catch up and chase down all of the sh*t that I thought I wanted so badly in life BEFORE everyone else gobbled it up then surely I needed to RUN after it shouting CARPE DIEM! YOLO! MINE, MINE, MINE!, etc. Yep, there's no denying it ... that was definitely the mindset that pushed its way into my immature noggin that day like a bull in a china shop.

Up until that point in my life I distinctly remember being led by a "let life take me where it wants to take me" spirit . My mother would marvel at this "if-it's-meant-to-be-it-will-be" attitude of mine - one that differed so drastically from my older brother's more exacting nature. When my parents and grandparents would ask me if I was concerned about where I was going to go to college, what I was going to do in life, etc., etc., I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Mom, Dad/Nan, Grand...I'm not going to allow myself to worry about that too much. Things always fall in to place exactly as they should when you let them. Right?" To which they would give a chuckle, smile and say, "Okay, Amy-girl. We trust you to do what you need to do." And, that was how I lived my life until the age of 21-ish. I went to college...thinking I knew what I wanted to do with my life...and then changing what I thought I wanted to do with my life, etc. until things pretty much settled right into place. I was happy staying in the flow...very happy. Why would I ever want to change my way of being when it felt so right? Right?

Wrong. A speck of doubt managed to wiggle it's way into my head and heart on that Massachusetts May morning as we gathered under that tent - rain pouring down overhead, and I allowed that doubt to change me. It was all somewhat surreal to me, that particular moment in time; I can recall feeling as though the rain was more of a special effect than a physical element on that day. It seemed as though the opening up of the sky - thunder and lightening included - was provided by the heavens for me alone as some added drama to signify that something was about to teeter-totter off the edge of who I was and who I was meant to be; that something was going to happen that I should really be paying close attention to. (Nice touch, U!) Sadly, I didn't.

 

And so, it was on THAT afternoon as I sat listening...and listening some more {side-note: it seems to me like there's an awful lot of listening going on in life, considering how little is actually being heard, ya know?} when somewhere between the droning on of guest #1, Professor Who-And-What-The-Hell-Knows-Anymore and guest #5, Dr Long-Winded-Shut-The-F#@k-Up-Already-Dude it all went down. I drank the KoolAid ... a big freakin glass of it! As crazy as it is to me now in retrospect, something that came out of the mouths of one of those speakers that day got lodged into my head like a bad ear-worm of "do you like piña coladas." Only it wasn't at all about piña coladas, or getting caught in the rain (both of which I happen to like quite a lot, btw...as long as the rum is good and the weather is warm). No, it was about life...specifically mine. The guidelines had all been neatly laid down for all of us gathered under that tent that day by all those "experts" of life that made it seem like a no-brainer for us to get off our asses and go grab some "success" by the kahunas already! It was time for the Class of 1990 to "go for it!"

Whoa!! That was a whole-lot-o-New England style mellow drama going on under that tent that day for me to absorb. There was so much to think about and decide upon. My head felt more scattered than focused by the end of it all, truth be told....so, my just barely older than a teenager's brain deciphered everything that was thrown at me that day this way: in order for YOU (me) to do all of those things that are deemed as necessary by the God's of Capitalism and Consumerism (them) in order for YOU (me) to taste the good life, YOU (me) surely have some changin to do...BIGTIME.

 

And, VOILA! "Type A" Amy, enter stage right ... in charge and ready to take care of all of this post-grad shape-shifting biz that had to be done.

To be continued...